The Penguins are playing the Red Wings as I sit down to write this raving complaint of Morrison’s opus, Final Crisis. Yea, it’s in between the first and second period and I find myself enthused with that extra bit of crankiness that make this kind of scathing article that much easier to write. The Pens are down by one after getting absolutely steam rolled by those undeniably communist Red Wing jerks. So, I’m going to crank this out while the rage still burns deep. It’s like my most recent interest Spider Jerusalem* says, “You’re miserable, edgy and tired. You’re in the perfect mood for Journalism.”

Final Crisis. I’m not here to dissuade anyone from getting the series. By all means, if you contain within yourself an Encyclopedia Britannica’s worth of knowledge concerning the DC Universe then boy-oh-boy you’re probably having the time of your life. I’m not here to deny the depth and majesty (yes, I said ‘majesty’) of Morrison’s abilities as a writer. When the pen is in that man’s hand, you can almost guarantee that all walls within 5-feet of your head will be covered in nothing but your own brains. That’s science, and math… mostly math.

Look, my point is… Final Crisis is probably a good read. Really, it’s probably this great series that is throwing all of your favorite heroes into one of the direst situations they’ve ever been flung into in their fictional lives. But it’s just not clicking with me. Why would Morrison want to spin a tale with absolutely no character development? Why would he want to merely take heroes and toss them into the folds of an evil plot? It really does nothing for me when all of the development and morality of these characters is not contained within the pages of the story which I am reading. Yes, it really pisses me off when I’m enamored with nothing but names; names that I have to jam into the Wikipedia search box in order to understand. Johns did it to me in Infinite Crisis and Morrison is doing it to me now.

It doesn’t help that J. G. Jones is (mostly) on board with the project. Don’t get me wrong about this, Jones’ art is visually stunning and his lineup in 52 will definitely be remembered as some of the best stuff to grace the world of comic covers; and with good reason. That man is capable of drawing the most intricate panels in comics today. I’m not talking Fables intricate (mad props out to Mark Buckingham), no, I’m talking to sort of intricacy that drives me blind with frustration. I’m the type of person that needs to know exactly what I’m reading, and when a panel is crammed with heroes I don’t even recognize I get all funny on the inside. It’s like my drive for knowledge starts punching me in the stomach, and I just can’t deal with that sort of feeling while I’m reading a damn comic… for pleasure.

Which brings me to my next point. Because of all this personal need to get everything that’s happening on the page and the speed of Morrison’s transitions and dialogue, when I read Final Crisis I’m left with a sense of exhaustion. It’s a hard read for me, something that seems like it should be paced perfectly is broken up by moments of ‘What the hell?!?’ and sheer confusion. This book is a chore, really, and I’m certain I’ve got a flock of sympathizers out there, somewhere, maybe.

But why I really hate Final Crisis, truth be told, is its sheer size. This thing is damn big. Final Crisis is so big that it could be used as a blunt murder weapon. I mean, really, I’m standing in my local shopping and staring at a wall of DC titles cluttered with the Final Crisis banner and borders. Over eight total months, that started with May of ‘08, we’ve seen (or will see) 14 tie-in titles in addition to the main line of issues. It comes out to 25 tie-in books and seven main line issues. That’s right, there are going to be as many issues released during this event as there are weeks. This, of course, doesn’t even count the horrible, weekly shit-show that was Countdown to Final Crisis. I’ll leave that alone.

Why does its sheer size have me so cranky? Well, its magnitude now dictates its fallout later. So, while I can just as easily ignore the title for now as it graces my shop’s shelves every week, when this whole shebang comes to a conclusion I’m almost certainly going to have to deal with the storyline’s ramifications in my favorite books. My wonderful stories are going to be interrupted by an event that I have no interest in. Oh, and for the record, I don’t like Secret Invasion either… it just so happens that I pick up more DC books than Marvel books so I don’t really feel the need to bitch about Marvel’s ridiculous event as much as I do about DC’s.

I hate Final Crisis. But hey, listen; don’t take my word on this. Morrison is known as a good writer for a reason. Final Crisis will probably garner a massive love amongst the DC faithful. And it will certainly go down as one of the better events when its biggest competition right now is Secret Invasion… Correct, I hate all events. The only event I remotely enjoyed was Annihilation, and that stems out of my boyhood crush on Norin Radd and everything that is Silver Surfer.

Please ignore my awesome Luke Skywalker Thumb Drive. I may or may not have left that in the frame to show off…

Oh, and as of now, it’s 4-2 Red Wings over the Pens at the end of the second. I’m crying.

*Spider Jerusalem, for those that do not know, is the main character in Transmetropolitan. Transmet is a fantastic Vertigo series that ran around 10 full trades in length. It’s by Warren Ellis and is straight up glorious. Definitely mature reading, so buyers beware.

Transmetropolitan Vol. 1

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